


Failure of Faith and the Faith of Failure

by BlazingStarInInkyBlackness



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Crisis of Faith, Hurt/Comfort, Mighty Nein as Family, Suicide Attempt, Torture, Trauma, Virgin Caduceus Clay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-19
Updated: 2020-05-19
Packaged: 2021-03-01 21:20:44
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 6
Words: 11,759
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23733745
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlazingStarInInkyBlackness/pseuds/BlazingStarInInkyBlackness
Summary: The mission went wrong, they were too far in. And Caduceus, their newest member, their most innocent member took the punishment. The Mighty Nein just don't know how to help him and he doesn't know how to help himself.
Relationships: Mollymauk Tealeaf/Caleb Widogast
Comments: 17
Kudos: 125





	1. The Devil's Cut

**Author's Note:**

> The first chapter of this contains graphic depictions of rape, after that there are references but the first chapter is the worst. Please proceed with caution.

The mission into the nine hells went to shit remarkably quickly. Maybe they should have expected that, planned for it in some way. Maybe they should have prepared instead of storming in on a simple wish and prayer but that was how the Mighty Nein functioned.

 _This is Jester_ Caleb smiled softly as the words formed in his head, their cleric was obviously making use of her spells. _I am with Fjord and Nott. Do you know where Beau and Caduceus are? And where are you? I think we-_

Caleb leant his head against the wall as he tried to formulate his thoughts for a moment.

“Beau and Cad are here. They are unsure of what to do with us. Keep yourself safe and spellcasting to a minimum, ja?”

“I guess Jessie’s okay then.” Beau murmured, relief in her eyes. She sat down in her corner of the cell and tugged on her handcuffs. Caleb grunted in acquiescence and Beau huffed. “I don’t like this, Caleb. We need to get everyone together. And… hope like hell nothing has happened.”

“Why did they separate us? That is what I do not understand.” Caleb snapped his fingers and Frumpkin appeared in his lap. Frumpkin purred and rubbed against his chest before slowly settling into his lap under the wizard’s nervous fingers.

“Scare tactic? Maybe they don’t want the dirty humans too close to their…” Beau trailed off and sighed. “I don’t know. But we need the rest of them.”

“There’s something they don’t like about us.” Caduceus said softly. Beau and Caleb snapped their heads over to him. He was an odd sight, as he always was. A line of grey and pink that stood out in the burning red and crimson of the prison. He was sat down, ignoring the slight smell of burning fur. He had been meditating but apparently that was useless. “I uh… I overheard them. They don’t like humans. Goblins, Half orcs, Tieflings, they’re fine. Caleb, they didn’t mind you. Said you smelt of uh… hell fire and death I think it was. And like you’d been claimed before.”

“Claimed? What the fuck does that mean?” Beau asked, glancing between Caduceus and Caleb. Caleb stared down at Frumpkin intently and continued to pet him.

“They were mostly just scared of you. You make quite a uh… intimidating sight when you want to. And confused by me. I’m… well, we all know I’m not the most imposing.” Caduceus smiled softly and tried to hide the small fear creeping in behind it. Beau sat down beside him and took his hand.

“Cad, we won’t let anything happen you know. We’re gonna get outta here and get everyone home.”

“I know. I just… I want to be able to do something. I don’t like waiting. Maybe-” Caduceus fell silent as one of his ears twitched towards the door. He frowned and sat up a little. Beau and Caleb heard footsteps after a moment and four demons walked in.

Two were thin, lithe creatures with large whips hanging by their sides. Their movements were disjointed and they seemed to almost crack slightly as they moved as if something inside them had fallen apart. Another had dark red skin and towering wings with hooked, vicious talons that it was pulling along the bars of the cage. The final was the height of Caduceus but broad, wider than any of the party and the muscles that rippled across its body showed strength that none of the three in the small cell had. The broad one stepped forwards and smiled.

“Hello.” Its voice grated, carrying a promise of death and destruction as the six eyes on its misshapen head focused on Beau. “Why are humans down here?”

“We were trading.” Beau glared up at the creature, her hand trembling ever so slightly in Caduceus’ hand. “Someone attacked up and we wound up here. Where’s the rest of our party and when can we leave?”

“No one leaves the dungeon of penance. No human.” The creature moved into the room and walked to Caleb. It sniffed him deeply and frowned, pulling back. “I see a demon kind has had you.” The creature murmured. “Well… I suppose we must play nicely with them.” It leant forwards and kissed Caleb’s neck. Caleb let out a whimper of surprise which morphed into pain as the saliva began to burn, pressing into his neck and he jerked away. The other three began to laugh at his reaction as he wiped his neck clean and stared at the creature above him.

“M-Mollymauk has- has possession of us.” Caleb stuttered. “He would not care for his t-toys to be tampered with. I have… and she bears his mark. Her neck. Beau, show them. Show them!”

Beau stared at Caleb for a long moment before she turned and arched her head forwards, showing off the tattoo. There was a slight grumble from the group of demons.

“We could still play.” The lithe creature whispered, voice whistling as if through a reed. “Find the Mollymauk and repay it later. It’s been a long time since I had a human and it has two?”

“No.” The broad shouldered creature growled. “We stick to the rules, Li’thron.”

“What do you mean, possession of Mollymauk?” Caduceus asked. The four demons turned to him and Caleb tensed. “Hey, I’m Caduceus Clay. I was just hoping you could-”

“Get on your knees.” The broad shouldered demon growled. Beau tried to jump in front of Caduceus but before she could, Li’thron pinned her down and began winding the chains ever tighter, cackling softly in her ear. Caduceus looked around in confusion before he slowly knelt.

“I… I’m not sure I know what’s going on here.”

“He is our ally!” Caleb exclaimed. His neck was beginning to swell from where the kiss had been pressed to the bare skin. “He is not to be harmed!”

“We won’t harm him.” The broad creature purred as it moved forwards. It towered over Caduceus, showing just how gaunt the Firbolg was. Caduceus looked up and frowned, his perceptive mind somehow hitting a barrier. “I am Sarot. You called yourself Caduceus? Well, Caduceus, I would love to see you in action. Do you want your friends to be freed?”

“Yes, I would.” Caduceus glanced at Caleb who was frozen in horror and Beau who was grappling with more chains winding around her. “I would like that very much.”

“He is a pretty one, isn’t he?” Sarot murmured. He pulled Caduceus’ hair back and the man whimpered slightly as tendrils of pink fell to the floor.

“Sarot, don’t do this! He-” Caleb was cut off as a gag was shoved into his mouth and he was pinned to the wall, chains holding him fast. Beau was placed next to him after a moment.

“I need my friends.” Caduceus whispered, staring up at Sarot. “What do you want?”

Sarot traced Caduceus’ lips and smirked. The touch was slow, lingering and Caduceus had to tense so as not to pull away from the heat the creature emitted. Sarot yanked Caduceus around and shoved him to the floor, his face landing heavily. Caduceus yelped in surprise and then stared up at Beau and Caleb, matching expressions of horror on their faces. Sarot then began to trace across Caduceus’ hips.

“Oh.” Caduceus whispered. He swallowed thickly and there was a moment of animalistic fear in his eyes before Sarot ripped down his pants and exposed the light grey fur that covered his hind quarters. Caduceus whined and tried to shift away but one of the other demons planted a foot on his back, between his shoulder blades and Caduceus fell still.

“I thought you were a boy.” Sarot murmured as he began to fondle across Caduceus’ ass. “Now that’s a pussy I see there. What are you?”

“I… I was born…” Caduceus glanced up at Caleb and Beau and then let his face fall, his pink hair a weak curtain to hide himself. “Not a boy, not a girl. Between. As the Wildmother-” Caduceus broke off with a pained scream as Sarot sunk two fingers into him. It was a burning pain, the stretch was too much and the fingers were red hot. Caduceus tried to crawl away but he couldn’t move, stuck in place as the fingers slowly began to move inside him.

“The Wildmother has no place here, freak.” Sarot whispered. “So, if you take every one of us until we’re satisfied then we’ll let you go to your friends. If you don’t then I’ll take you here with your friends watching and then later I’ll come back and we’ll play some more. I want to know what kind of freak you are.”

“Get off him!” Beau exclaimed. “Don’t touch him!”

“I accept.” Caduceus whispered, tears in his eyes. Pain was temporary. He could do this. He could… do this.

Sarot smirked and pulled his fingers out. Caduceus slumped down and whimpered slightly. His hole burned and he knew it wasn’t natural. The demon had done something and he didn’t like it. He didn’t like this place, this place of fire and hell spawn, where everything was too big and too enclosed. Nature had no place and Caduceus, despite his best intentions, was beginning to feel alone.

Warm hands quickly unclothed him. He didn’t fight as the demons swarmed him and one began to nibble at his neck, sucking and biting as it did. He felt some of his fur matt and pull at the gesture and he tried to pull away. In response the demon let out a shriek and brought its talons down across his chest. Blood sprung to the surface, bubbling and running down his grey fur. Caduceus wanted to stem the flow, to do something. Before he could, a demon was there, lapping away. Its forked tongue delved into the wound and Caduceus groaned as he felt the layers of his skin part under the inquisitive tongue, searching out more food.

“Now now, don’t break our freak before we can play with it.” Sarot said. He lifted Caduceus up and lay him on his back, towering over him. His dick was visible and Caduceus felt the whimper in his chest. The dick was too big. It looked the size of an arm and it was throbbing slightly, bits of light flickering along it. “Now then, freak, you were so good so you get to choose. Which hole do I start in?”

“S-start?” Caduceus whispered, eyes focused on the dick. He wasn’t sure he could even get his lips around the head of it and there was no way he’d fit it all in. But if two fingers hurt… “My mouth, please.”

The demons around the room laughed at that and Caduceus flushed. Sarot pulled him back to a kneeling position, manhandling the Firbolg as if he weighed nothing. Sarot gently eased Caduceus’ mouth open and laid the tip of his dick on the tongue. Caduceus let out a sigh of relief. If this was all sex was then… maybe this would be okay. Maybe he could do it.

In the next instant Caduceus was choking as a burning rod was shoved down his throat and Sarot began to face fuck him. Every stroke took him to the hilt and Caduceus couldn’t breathe, couldn’t see anything. His eyes were full of tears and his hands scrambled desperately in their chains, begging to be let out, begging to be freed, begging that this wasn’t real. Sarot pulled back for a moment and Caduceus retched, shaking weakly. He leant forwards and coughed, ears ringing. Someone was shouting somewhere but all he could hear was his heartbeat and all he knew was that in a moment he wouldn’t be able to breathe.

The dick dove back in and Caduceus tried his best to keep up as the creature’s balls began to slap his chin. He had something of a rhythm going until something touched his hole. He tried to jerk forwards and ended up with the dick hitting the back of his throat. Sarot noticed and grabbed his hair, pulling it taught as he choked and scrambled, unable to breathe or move. After what felt like an eternity he was released and the fingers returned to slowly circling his hole.

“I want it.” Li’thron murmured. “Want to sink in and see how it feels.”

“Wait your turn.” Sarot growled. “You can fuck it in a moment. Finger it if you have to.”

With those words Caduceus felt an intrusion as two long thin fingers began to crawl inside him. He couldn’t move away and he closed his eyes as he began to cry, soft tears that trickled down his nose and dissipated onto the floor. The fingers got bolder and began to delve deeper, stretching and touching him. He could feel his body’s betrayal, the wetness that was gathering along his folds and how his cock was slowly rising. He couldn’t make eye contact with the humans in the room. He couldn’t… he couldn’t be as weak as he was.

After what felt like an eternity Sarot’s thrusts began to become disjointed and after one last thrust he pulled out. Caduceus looked up at him just in time to see the bright oranges across his dick spark and then a flood of dark cum shot across his face. Everywhere it touched, it burned and Caduceus couldn’t hold back the scream as it began to dribble down his nose and across his lips. The demons laughed and it sounded like someone was crying but Caduceus could only think about the pain of the burning, the need to get it off.

“My turn.” Li’thron purred. Caduceus had never known what it felt like to be impaled by a dick, had never taken one before that day. He was fairly sure they shouldn’t drag on every outward pull as if there were barbs along it. Every thrust in was a physical relief as it soothed the scratches inside him and every thrust out ripped him open. Caduceus began to cry openly as he felt the cum splattered across his face begin to burn away some of his thin fur.

“Wildmother!” Caduceus cried. “Please! I’ve served you well! Help me!”

Li’thron grabbed his hair and pulled his back, making his neck snap uncomfortably. Li’thron smirked at the mess of burns that was Caduceus’ face.

“There’s no Wildmother here. You serve us. Aerm’oon, want to ride the freak? See if its dick works.”

“No. No.” Caduceus whispered. He tried to struggle away but then there was another thin demon and his dick was still hard and he had never understood self hatred until that moment. He watched, almost disembodied, as the new demon sank down on his dick and mewled at the sensation. She began to ride him, hard and fast, as the demon behind him slammed in over and over again. His face burned and his chest ached and yet somehow his dick stayed hard for the demon to use him.

He looked up, a desperate bid that maybe, just maybe, the Wildmother would come. Maybe he’d served her well enough.

His vision was blocked within moments by the fourth demon and he slowly opened his mouth. He’d never been enough.

Caleb watched as Caduceus was raped brutally. Blood spilled on the floor and little tufts of grey and pink hair were scattered about. The Firbolg’s mohawk was tattered and he looked close to passing out by the time three of the demons had left, apparently satisfied with what they’d done. Then it was just Sarot left. He continued thrusting into Caduceus’ limp body and muttered a few quick words that Caleb recognised as Arcane. Caduceus arched up and howled as Sarot laughed and pulled out, Caduceus’ open, bloody hole on show.

“Well done, freak. You make a good little servant.” Sarot purred. He walked over to Beau who had run out of tears at some point, who was just dedicating every aspect of Sarot’s body to memory so she could destroy him later. “Do you want to watch me dress him?”

Beau paused and glanced at Caduceus’ brutalised body. He was kneeling but bent nearly in half, every breath a struggle as he whimpered. Tears dripped to the floor along with blood every few seconds.

“I will do it.” Caleb said softly. “Please. And then… our friends?”

“I think that sounds good.” Sarot said with a smile. He unlocked Caleb’s restraints and Caleb crawled forwards to Caduceus.

“No more.” Caduceus whispered. “Please. Melora, help… please…”

“Hush.” Caleb whispered. “I am here. We are going to our friends. Jester, Fjord, Nott. It will be…” Caleb stared down at where Caduceus’ fur had burned away and felt sick as he realised Sator had done the same inside him, that whatever was burning away was currently stuck inside and he couldn’t help the Firbolg. “Come. Shirt?”

Caleb began dressing Caduceus like a child. Caduceus was barely responsive and he flinched from the touches, letting out a low almost bleating sound as Caleb brushed against any injury. When Caleb reached for Caduceus’ breeches he paused.

“Cad… you will need to assist me. I cannot get these on you.”

Caduceus whined. His tail flicked limply and Sator knelt down. He grabbed the tail and twisted it, shoving it into Caduceus’ hole. Caduceus screamed and arched into Caleb as the burning engulfed his tail.

“Get up, freak. Get out. Or I’ll take the girl over there next.”

Caduceus gingerly stood, leaning heavily on Caleb and tugged on his breeches. His already grey face turned almost white with the exertion but he forced himself on and didn’t once look at Sator. Caleb gently took a rag from his pocket and wiped away the dried cum from his face. Caduceus looked a mess but Caleb could give him that much.

“Thank me.” Sator growled.

“What?” Caduceus whispered. Sator slapped him and Caduceus fell to the ground again.

“Thank me for giving you the best fuck of your life, freak.” Sator hissed down at Caduceus. Caduceus looked so small, curled away from Sator and trembling ever so slightly. His vibrant hair was lying around him and the lightness he carried seemed dimmed.

“Thank you.” Caduceus whispered. “I… have never had sex… like that before.”

Sator huffed and yanked Beau up. She looked ready to murder him but he didn’t pay her any attention.

“Stupid Tiefling. If we’d had all three of you it would have been much more exciting.” Sator then began to drag Beau from the cell and Caduceus stood weakly. He took a step forwards and then searing pain shot through him and he stumbled. Caleb caught him and their eyes met for a moment.

“We are nearly home.” Caleb whispered. “Just a bit further.”

Caduceus nodded and began to drag himself forwards. Every step made the cum inside him shift and move. He could feel it sinking into his body and seeping into the cuts the barbed demons had left inside him. It hurt like a supernova. It hurt like being consumed by lava and then staggering away. It hurt like betrayal. It just hurt.

They eventually reached another cell where Nott, Fjord and Jester were sat. All three of them shot up at the state of Caduceus. Caleb gently carried him in and placed him down as Beau was thrown into the cell.

“Your fate will be decided later. Freak, you might live if you know how to play this.” Sator turned and left, locking the cell behind him.

“Oh my goodness!” Jester exclaimed. “What happened to you? Caduceus!”

“They-”

“They tortured me.” Caduceus cut off Caleb. He shifted up and winced as he put pressure on his crotch. “Doesn’t matter. We need to go.”

“And how do you suppose we get outta here?” Fjord asked quietly. “Our meetup isn’t for another week. No-one will notice we’re gone for… a long time. We’re fucked.”

“I tried to pick the lock but it’s very tough. Very very tough.” Nott chimed in. Caduceus smiled and gently reached out a hand.

“Hold hands. I… I have something.”

He closed his eyes as he felt his companions follow his lead. He took in a deep breath and tried to feel the Wildmother’s presence, the soft, gentle warmth she would envelop him with. All he could feel was the burning pain as another load of cum was dumped in him and he was thrown to the floor before another body pounced on him and began to ride him, bouncing on his chafed dick. Tears sprang to his eyes as he mentally begged for her presence, for the protection she could give.

Time and space began to warp and Caduceus felt the heat slip away, replaced with an all too familiar garden. Caduceus looked around the Blooming Grove before he fell to his knees and began to vomit black bile.

He had failed. He had failed his Goddess.


	2. The Depths of Hell

Caduceus lay on his old bedroll, staring up at the ceiling as Jester fussed over him quietly. He didn’t have the energy to move. She’d pressed all the healing magic she had into him but he couldn’t bring himself to admit the burning sensation inside him, the burning that wouldn’t stop.

“Caduceus, you would tell me if you were… dying, wouldn’t you?” Jester whispered. Caduceus looked up at her and smiled softly.

“I’m not dying. Just tired.” He shifted slightly and let out a high pitched whine. His tail curled towards him and he stared idly at the burn scars across the tip. The normally furred end was bandaged and underneath there was blackened skin and dark injuries he didn’t want to think about. He didn’t want to think about any of it.

“Cad?” Jester whispered. “I’m scared. You… you’re scaring me.”

If he’d had more energy he would have looked up into the woman’s eyes and smiled a soft smile, reassured her, comforted her. He would have forced himself up and danced and pranced to show how good he was. He would have pretended to be normal.

Caduceus stared at his burnt tail, remembering the sensation of it being shoved inside him and he slowly curled in on himself, his tail flicking out of his sight to the colder extremes of the room. Jester would leave eventually, everyone did.

_Caduceus stared up at a mountain that rose above him. The peak vanished into the clouds and his limbs ached. He looked down and saw the base of the mountain was lost to his vision as well. He was alone on a mountainside. Sharp rocks dug into his hands and he felt his arms begin to shake._

_“Wildmother?” He whispered. “What do I do?” He looked around the rockface and noticed small patches of lichen growing between the rocks. They looked healthy and happy but there was something different. He reached out and there was nothing. He couldn’t connect. Caduceus closed his eyes and felt hot tears streak down his face, one tear turning into a flood of boiling water that covered his chest. He clung to the mountainside and sobbed, chest heaving and sides aching._

Caduceus jerked awake and winced as his entire body began to complain. Beau was sat across from him and she stared as he slowly struggled to his feet.

“Need help?” She asked. Her eyes flickered across his body and he felt a blush creep up his spine. She’d seen it all. She’d seen him at his weakest point, when he’d sunk so low that no-one wanted to touch him.

“No.” Caduceus whispered. He dragged himself up by the wall and limped forwards a few steps. He saw his armour on the ground and frowned.

“I called in a few favours. Allura… she knows some people. We got our shit back.” Beau lifted the staff and offered it to Caduceus. He took it and leant heavily on it, taking in a deep breath. “Cad… what happened in there-”

“Do you want some tea?” Caduceus interrupted Beau and began to hobble over to where he kept his tea pot. The few steps were a struggle and he sat down again with the empty pot, a thin sweat on his brow. Beau sat opposite him, just watching. Caduceus wiped his brow and swallowed thickly. “Odd being home.”

“Cad, stop bullshitting.”

“I think a sweet blend will be good for today. The Xirmoth family has the sweetest-”

“Can you get pregnant?”

Caduceus froze, all thoughts shuddering to a halt. Could he get pregnant? He gingerly placed a hand on his belly and shivered.

“How would I know? I… I lived here my whole life, Beauregard. I understand fertilisation and gestation as you understand grave digging. I’m not… I’ve never…”

“Was anyone else in your family like you? Part male, part female?”

“No. Just me. A gift from the Wildmother.” Caduceus couldn’t help the scorn that crawled into his voice, poisoning and twisting his words. Beau noticed and sighed. She pulled a packet of herbs from her pocket and handed them to him. They smelt sour and tangy, a mixture that shouldn’t have been placed together.

“Take these. That’s enough to make sure that… even if you can then you won’t. Firbolg anatomy is kinda a hit and miss around these parts but those favours… this is going to be okay, Cad.”

“Will it?” Caduceus whispered. He began to instinctively go through the notions of lighting the small fire. His hands shook on the flint and he couldn’t make them settle. “You saw… you saw that.”

“I saw a battle.” Beau growled. “That’s all. A fight where they refused to stop hitting you when you were down. I don’t judge you for it. Do you judge me for taking Yasha’s sword in the cathedral? You made a choice to stay alive. You-”

“I had plane shift. I had it all along.” Caduceus watched as a spark lit and the tinder slowly began to crackle and pop. “I could have escaped.” There was silence for a long moment before Beau took his shaking hand.

“Cad, one day we have to talk about you putting others before yourself. Right now, make yourself a tea with those herbs. And if you need medical help in… areas you don’t want Jester to see then I’m here. I’m a friend.”

Caduceus stared as the fire continued to catch and Beau began to tend to it. Eventually the tea kettle was set over the fire, water sloshing inside it. He didn’t know where that had came from. Maybe Beau, maybe Jester. He was falling through time and maybe he should be more worried about that.

“I came.” Caduceus whispered. Beau looked up and nodded.

“Yeah.”

“I don’t think I want tea anymore.”

“One cup. For me?”

Caduceus retreated to his bedroll, wrapped around a cup of tea. It was sour and over brewed.

He drank every drop of it.

_The wind buffeted Caduceus, icicles freezing his fur into angry peaks. He wanted to scream but the noise was too much. His tail was slammed into a rock and he keened, a high, animalistic noise that made it no further than his own lips._

_The snow began to fall and he shivered, alone and abandoned._

They left the Blooming Grove after two days of recuperation. Caduceus had mostly stopped limping by then and the worried looks the others shot him had slowed. With no urgent matters to attend to, they decided to teleport to Xhorhas and relax further there.

The tree brought some peace to Caduceus, looming over the neighbourhood and gently waving in the breeze. There at least was something concrete, something he’d created and couldn’t be taken from him. Beau brushed against his side and smiled up at him softly.

“We’re home.” She whispered. “You got us home, Cad.”

“What did it cost?” Caduceus murmured. Beau tensed, having heard it but seeming to have no answer.

It took a week for the limp to fully dissipate and when it did there was something deep inside Caduceus that felt wrong, as if something was still burning away at him. He spent most days in the garden, quietly tending the various vegetable patches and plant life but he didn’t reach for his magic. It felt wrong somehow.

The shrine to the Wildmother sat in a corner of the tree, alone apart from the rare occasion Fjord prayed at it. Caduceus stared at it but couldn’t bring himself to touch it. After two days his holy symbol joined it, nestled in the small alcove he had so lovingly carved for the goddess he believed would protect him.

Caduceus’ tail dropped over the edge of the house and he stared up into the dark sky. He closed his eyes and sighed softly. Another time, another place and he’d meditate, sink into his body and feel every inch of it to slowly relax. He had the feeling that wouldn’t relax him so he just lay there, scarred face to the sky as his tail flicked across the hard bricks and the wind whistled through the branches of his tree.

Nott crawled into Caleb’s bed and lay still for several long moments. Caleb looked down at her in the darkness and waited, counting every second as it ticked by.

“Mr Clay is hurt.” Nott whispered, finally breaking the silence. “Hurt in a way Jester can’t heal. What happened in that cell, Caleb?”

“Torture.”

Nott stared up at Caleb and Caleb felt his stomach lurch as he saw doubt in those wide yellow eyes. Nott began to chew on her lower lip and her sharp teeth drew over the thin lips.

“Did they touch you?” Nott asked quietly. She reached up and touched Caleb’s neck where there was the faint reminder of a burn mark. Caleb froze as he remembered the demon bearing down on him, the wet saliva burning into him as he remembered how fragile he was.

“Nott… I was not hurt. They threatened me. They hurt Caduceus. And I think he would appreciate space and we should give it to him.” Caleb pulled Nott’s hand away and touched the mark gently, shuddering. Nott stared at him and frowned.

“I didn’t check for traps.”

“I know, Liebling. You never do.”

“But… it got you captured.”

Caleb kissed the top of Nott’s head and held her close to his chest. He pulled the blanket closer and sighed heavily. She was a heavy weight against him and a reminder, he had responsibilities now.

“Nott, I am used to what they did. Beau and I could take torture. We have in the past. Caduceus has not. He has not known anything of that sort. I understand… I do not understand much of that man. But I know he needs us now. He does not need or want your guilt. Please, for him, forgive yourself?”

“You’re very smart, Caleb.” Nott mumbled as she tried to curl further into him. “Will he be okay?”

“Ja. He is a strong one.”

“Are you lying?” Nott whispered. Caleb opened his mouth and then sighed, just holding Nott. Nott shivered and nodded. She already knew the answer.

_It hurt to move. Hurt to think. Everything sent daggers of ice through his body and Caduceus was so tired. He just wanted to sleep, to let go of the mountainside and let nature work._

_Why was he still stubborn? Why was he clinging to something that was trying to throw him off?_

_Caduceus unclenched one hand, hearing the splintering of ice that had gathered around his joints. His arm fell to his side and he took in a deep breath as he flexed the hand weakly. He bent his knees, readying himself and then in one far too fluid motion he leapt, eyes closing as he let nature finally take him._

Caduceus stared at the ceiling and his heart pounded in his chest, once, twice, three times.

His teapot sat across the room, his tea cup dirty on the table beside him. He wanted to move but he couldn’t summon the energy.

The rest of the Mighty Nein had left him, had left him alone in the house with his memories and the pain creeping across his body. The ache had settled deep in his body and it didn’t move anymore, nothing moved.

A leaf slowly fluttered down and landed on Caduceus’ nose. He huffed and displaced it to drift away. Movement wasn’t important anymore.

_Caduceus felt the air whip past him and he closed his eyes. The fractals of ice bit and clawed at his face and he felt it rip into his fragile skin and his gentle face._

_The ground was approaching. Caduceus smiled softly and closed his eyes. The impact would feel like something at least._

_He just wanted something._


	3. The Demon's Smile

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Recovery is slow. And sometimes it feels impossible.

Yasha found Mollymauk in a bar. She shouldn’t have been surprised. He was sat on a barstool, sipping away at a drink and watching the other patrons. She was the first to step in and she felt her heart stop for a moment at the sight of the lilac Tiefling. Mollymauk turned to her, red eyes glowing across the room and a soft smile curled across his face.

Yasha doesn’t cry. As she held Mollymauk in her arms again she came damn close. She held the Tiefling so close and held only whispers in her ear as he tried to soothe her, tried to stop her defensive stance.

The rest of the Mighty Nein slowly came in, staring at Mollymauk as if they’d seen a ghost. He smirked and raised a hand.

“A round for my friends. Now, what have you lot been up to? You look utterly debauched.” Mollymauk sat back, holding Yasha’s hand gently.

“Mollymauk… how are you alive?” Caleb asked softly. Mollymauk rubbed his chin for a moment and frowned.

“I don’t know that I am. I mean... I’m not dead but I’m not alive. Or… I woke up one morning. Curled up in a blanket. Tried to get back to sleep and then remembered the terrible mess we were all in. So I tried to get up and found myself underground again. Not a fan of that. I was just alive again. As if nothing had happened. A few extra scars and a few mushrooms growing on the carpet. I find out months had passed and my coat was soaked.” Mollymauk held out his coat and sighed softly. “The gold I had to pay to get this fixed… anyway, eventually I realised you had moved on. I didn’t want to stick around the Pillowtrove Inn. I went looking. Guess I found you.” Mollymauk began to tap his talon against the bar top and frowned at the group. “You look like you’ve been through hell.”

“And back.” Caleb whispered. He walked forwards and hugged Mollymauk tightly. Mollymauk leant his head against the man’s shoulder and the trinkets across his horns tinkled softly. “You are back.” Caleb whispered, his voice thick. Mollymauk smiled softly and held him.

“I’m here. I’m here.”

The house was too quiet when they got back. Mollymauk was different but he could never have lost the edge that made him who he was. The dazzling coat, the sparkle in his eyes or the wonder he tried to cover in his eyes as he took in every new thing.

Caduceus was too busy doing nothing to notice.

One night the Firbolg couldn’t sleep, it had become a regular occurrence. His fur was a matted mess and it itched. He shifted to scratch at it and huffed as his fingernails got caught in the muck and grime that had accumulated. He flopped back and wondered idly how long it had been since he’d had a bath. Looking at his body had once been a regular thing now it felt… wrong. As if his body belonged to someone else entirely and he was simply possessing it.

He grabbed a loose tunic and walked down the stairs, glad that the hot tub was full. He lay the tunic down and stripped before he dove in, not looking at his body.

The water engulfed him and he lay still for a long moment, the tiny shockwaves bouncing against his fur as each follicle sent shock waves into his system. His tail flicked forwards and he gasped, his head shooting out of the water. He grabbed for the side and whimpered. A few stray pinkish grey hairs flopped into his eyes and he took in a deep breath. He was safe. The pain was gone. He wasn’t… he raised his neck and felt the cool night air hit him.

“Not everyday you see a Firbolg.” A strange voice commented. Caduceus snapped his head up and stared at a purple Tiefling who walked into the room. His body was covered in tattoos and scars and he was completely naked. “Mollymauk Tealeaf. We haven’t met yet.” Mollymauk sank into the water and almost purred at the sensation. “Glad that they learned a few things from me. ”

“I’m… I’m Caduceus. Caduceus Clay.” Caduceus sat against the wall and stared at Mollymauk as he began to pull the ruffled hair away from his eyes.

“Your friends speak highly of you Mr Clay.” Mollymauk stretched and Caduceus let his eyes flicker over him. There was a massive scar across his chest, angry and red. It wasn’t the kind of injury anyone got up from. “Said you were very perceptive. And said you were fucked.”

“Mr Mollymauk, I… I’ll leave you to your bath.”

“Caleb told me what happened.” Mollymauk didn’t break eye contact, the burning red of his eyes holding Caduceus in place and threatening to drag him away. “I… I’m sorry. And thank you.”

“Thank you?”

“You saved all of my friends. You could have left the moment you were put in that cell. But you held on. And now you’re hurt.”

“It’s… it isn’t like that.”

“Your face is fucked up. Is that cause they burned it or cause they came on it?”

Caduceus stared at Mollymauk for several long moments before he looked away, tears appearing at the corners of his eyes.

“Don’t. I… my fur will grow back. And I can forget this happened. I can go back to… everything.”

“Yeah. But will you?” Mollymauk raised his tail idly and flipped it through the water. “Cause going back to normal means risking it happening again. And seeing Caleb and Beau means remembering it did happen. And existing means-”

“What’s your point?” Caduceus snapped. Mollymauk tilted his head and smiled softly.

“Take it from someone who knows, there’s a difference between grasping for life and treasuring it. You’re trying to find something that isn’t there anymore. You’re fucked up now. Welcome to the Mighty Nein.”

Caduceus stared at Mollymauk for a long moment and chuckled softly.

“You are a very unique person Mr Tealeaf. I’m glad I got to meet you.”

“Think I’ve got you to thank for that one actually. I woke up with flowers growing around me. Just lying on the grass. First time I had to claw my way out of the dirt. I think your Wildmother-”

“She isn’t my Wildmother.” Caduceus whispered. “I… I’m glad she brought you back but she… she doesn’t want me.”

“Then why did I come back? Certainly wasn’t to keep Caleb company. Gods work in mysterious ways. Maybe they needed a demon to fix their saint.” Mollymauk stared at Caduceus for a long moment and stared across his body. “She’s your Wildmother. And you didn’t fail her.”

Caduceus slowly sank into the water and let his fur begin to sway in the water. Maybe… maybe the Tiefling had a point. A small one but a point nonetheless.

Caduceus woke the next morning wrapped in a large red coat. He mumbled for a few moments and plucked at it, staring at the various embroidered patches across the sleeves and body. He opened the jacket to take it off and paused as he saw the Wildmother’s familiar symbol. A small smile tugged his lips and he rose, keeping the coat wrapped around him.

He was in his treehouse and he walked around to the Wildmother’s shrine. There was the small wood carving he’d made what felt like years ago by this point. Next to it was a small trinket. Caduceus picked it up and turned it over in his hands. It was a silver moon with a small circular hook attached to it. It looked well worn and there were areas of tarnish across the piece. Caduceus smiled softly and put the horn decoration back in the small alcove.

Caduceus wandered down to the kitchen and began shuffling around, slowly preparing a small meal for the group. The group wandered in as the hour ticked on and by the time the meal was prepared they were all sat at the table, sneaking glances at Caduceus in the vibrant red coat. Caduceus then brought the food to the table and set it down. He sat across from Mollymauk and smiled at the Tiefling who was missing one of his many horn trinkets and his red coat.

“Thank you.” Caduceus said softly. Mollymauk smiled and nodded.

“So, what has the cook made for us?”

“There’s various breakfast foods. I don’t know what you’re partial to. And the teapot is just… here.” Caduceus set the teapot down and adjusted it slightly. He walked back into the kitchen, hearing a chorus of cheers and whoops from behind him. He didn’t hear the soft footfalls approaching. He didn’t hear the floorboards creak.

What he heard was Fjord clearing his throat and then Caduceus had a warm body pinned against the counter and a cold knife in his hands, pressing against a pulse. There was another beat of silence and then the silence erupted into noise. Weapons were drawn, spells were prepared and there was shouting. Fjord stayed stock still, just staring up at Caduceus. His hands were empty and the sword was nowhere in sight.

Caduceus felt the knife in his hand dig in a bit more, parting the green skin. A slow trickle of blood ran down Fjord’s throat and he swallowed, pulling away.

“I… I’m sorry, Mr Fjord.” Caduceus whispered. Fjord stood and backed away slowly. “I don’t… I don’t know what came over me.”

“It’s understandable. I surprised you. Come back down and eat with us?”

“I…” Caduceus stared at the other members of the group who were still staring at him. Mollymauk was the only one sat, munching away at a pancake. “I think I should go to my room. Thank you all.”

Caduceus knew the difference between a strategic retreat and fleeing. He wished he could say he was strategic but all his mind was thinking was the hot breath and heavy weight on his back as he was pressed into the burning floor.

Tears were streaking down his face by the time he was in his room and he collapsed, shivering and shaking. Fjord’s yellow eyes burned up at him and red eyes made from pure fire burned down. He curled into himself and tucked his tail under his chin.

His tail was still mostly hairless, looking more like a desert cat’s tail than his normal fluffy tail. It was a sad state of affairs and he trailed one finger up it slowly. Nothing had prepared him for that cell. Dealing with death everyday was too simplistic. If someone died then they were dead, the pale shades that were sometimes reanimated weren’t people, just aberrations in pain who Caduceus and his family could lay to rest once more.

A battle was a battle. He was hit and he healed. He went down, he either died or healed. Everything was mapped out clearly, he understood what would happen even in this crazy new world he’d been thrust headfirst into. That cell had taught him that he knew nothing and had given him a master class in something he didn’t want to know.

Caduceus let his tail wrap slowly around his forearm and began to limp up to Melora’s shrine. He couldn’t bring himself to pray but he could stare so he did. He stared at the shrine he had carved, had spent hours constructing, had spent days ensuring it would survive. And he stared at the symbol that had brought Fjord and Mollymauk back from their worst possible fates without any expectation of payment or recompense. The Goddess who had fallen silent as Caduceus sobbed against the burning floor.

And a small spark of anger began to build inside him.


	4. The Martyr's Fall

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An angel is created to fly. A hero is born to rise. A martyr is doomed to fall.

“You weren’t tortured in that cell.” Fjord stated, rubbing his neck gently as he sat back down. Jester’s magic had closed the wound but he could still remember the furred fingers holding the knife against his throat. “Cad wouldn’t be like this if that was all that happened.”

“Have you ever been tortured?” Caleb asked, staring at his plate. “It changes you.”

“Yeah, I have actually. When Molly died I was tortured and imprisoned and had to hear the same shit happening to my friends. I know what that does and it isn’t that. You keep secrets and it ends up hurting all of us, Caleb, so tell us.”

Beau and Caleb shared a glance and Beau shook her head minutely.

“Fjord, this isn’t going to help Cad.” Beau said, not looking at Fjord. “We fought, we lost. He was hurt. What happened in that cell was torture. Just stop asking there. We won’t give the specifics without Cad letting us.”

“He isn’t getting better.” Jester whispered. “I thought this breakfast… and he was in new clothes… but…”

“That’s another thing,” Fjord rounded on Mollymauk who was poking at his pancakes. “Did you fuck him last night?” Mollymauk, Caleb and Beau all tensed and shot Fjord a dirty look.

“I found him in the hot tub.” Mollymauk murmured. “Talked some sense into him.” The Tiefling looked smaller without his coat, less like a proud peacock and more like a very tired, very scared child. “And he fell asleep so I brought him to his room. Nothing more. I wouldn’t do that to him in this state.”

“What do you mean, in this state?” Yasha asked, sinking into the seat next to Mollymauk. “What state is he in?”

“Hurting. Bad. And somehow we’ve got to fix it.”

“We should not talk about him behind his back.” Caleb murmured. “Caduceus was injured. Jester healed his physical injuries. We must now all heal his mental ones. As a… team.”

“He didn’t have many physical injuries.” Jester whispered. “He was hurt so bad but nothing I could see. My healing did something but… he is the healer. I am not.”

“You’re a healer, Jessie.” Beau nudged Jester gently. “Maybe he just got hurt in places you weren’t expecting.”

“That is worse.” Jester whispered. “Because I examined him, Beau. If it was…”

Beau and Caleb shared another look and Beau sighed.

“They raped him.”

Silence reigned for a long minute as the members of the Mighty Nein took in the information. Fjord sank back into his chair and Mollymauk hung his head. Beau rubbed her eyes and sniffed.

“It wasn’t for a reason. It wasn’t for information. It was just… because they were bored. Because Mollymauk had had Caleb and Caleb managed to lie about my tattoo being a mark that he had me too. So it was Cad. Just Cad. And he took it. He had plane shift. He could’ve… it was torture, okay? It was brutal and- and I see it in my nightmares and he is the bravest fucking one of us because he took it for us. He stayed strong. So he could get us out afterwards. He could have given Jester a day to get plane shift but he didn’t. He was… he made sure we all got home together.”

Caleb gently took Beau’s hand and tears began to stream down her face. Caleb sniffled and wiped his eyes as well.

“We had to watch.” Caleb murmured, accent thicker than usual. “Useless. As our friend was hurt. And I have seen… so much. But this was Trent all over again. Cruelty for the sake of it. He is in pain because he does not understand what he did to deserve this. He didn’t deserve it and it happened and we have to support him.”

Fjord touched the dried blood on his neck and began to scratch away at it. He thought of the Firbolg’s warm, inviting face. The fur there was always softer, paler than the hints of body hair Fjord had seen. Since the trip the fur had burned away.

“They didn’t pour acid on him, did they?” Fjord whispered. “That was just another lie.”

“Lies are better than the truth.” Mollymauk growled. “Give him some dignity. Give him… something.”

_Caduceus lay at the base of a mountain. The snow fell around him and the cold bit into him, gnawing at his bones and gaunt body. He didn’t have the energy to move or shift away, he just stayed still as the snow began to cover him._

_He had stopped shivering at some point, the cold settling deep enough into his body that nothing would penetrate it. The mountain towered above him. Somewhere up there his friends were still climbing but it didn’t matter. They had Mollymauk now. Caduceus could rest. Just a short rest._

_Caduceus let his eyes slowly close and felt pinpricks of cold land on each of them as the storm howling around him began to bury him entirely._

_The Clays always waited until someone was dead to bury them. It made sense the failure of the Clay family didn’t even get that honour._

Nott stared up at the tree that swayed above her as Caduceus slept.

“Why weren’t you there?” Nott whispered. “I’m not religious but… look what he’s done. He brought Fjord to you. He cured the Blooming Grove. He left his home to follow dreams and whispers. He’s done so much. Why couldn’t you save him? Why couldn’t you…” Nott trailed off as a gentle breeze whispered through the lower branches of the tree. If she was a religious woman she’d say it sounded like an apology, the faint tendrils of a God’s power reaching beyond the Divine Gate and touching their lives.

Nott had never been religious. Goblin monstrosities can’t be.

“Fuck you.” Nott whispered as she scrambled to Caduceus and gently shook him awake. Caduceus flinched and curled into himself before he stared up at Nott.

“Hello there.” Caduceus murmured. He slowly unwound his body, a line of tenseness remaining somehow. He was a grey and pink wire, stretched taught and ready to snap at any moment. “Is Mr Fjord okay?”

“Yeah. Fjord is… he’s fine. They’re talking. Talking doesn’t help much.” Nott held up her flask and Caduceus stared at it for a long moment before he took it and stared at it. “Being a shield is easier when you don’t feel the hits.” Caduceus nodded and tilted his head back, feeling the liquid burn its way down his throat. He closed his eyes and kept swallowing. It kept going and going as he went limp, just chugging the painfully hot liquid.

A small hand touched Caduceus’ arm and Caduceus blinked in surprise to see Nott sat there. She reached for the flask and took a small swig.

“I’m not good at talking.” Nott murmured. “But I know… I know sacrifice and I think you do as well.”

Caduceus coughed weakly and touched his belly. The alcohol was sloshing against his empty stomach and he wasn’t sure he’d keep it down.

“Why do you drink that?”

“Give it a few minutes.” Nott stared out across Xhorhas and let out a long sigh. “You know… my son has nightmares. Or had. Nightmares of goblins crawling into his window with swords and taking Yezza. I have nightmares of going home. I guess… I’ve made the best thing in my life my nightmare.” Nott looked down at her flask and turned it over and over in her hands. “You’re a good man, Cad. A really good man. Thank you for saving Caleb.”

Caduceus stared at Nott for a moment before he stared back out over Xhorhas. The lights began to blur as tears rose in his eyes. Nott shifted to lean against him and stayed silent as the tears began to stream down his face.

He cried until he felt empty, until his throat hurt and his eyes burned. Then he stared back at the lights and frowned at the blur they’d become.

“Nott?” Caduceus mumbled. He frowned at the slur in his voice, the way his head spun as he moved. Nott said something but Caduceus didn’t hear it, couldn’t keep up with the words as they fluttered around them. “Melora doesn’t want me.” Caduceus mumbled. “I left our temple. I left our sacred duty and she punished me. Have to go back now. Have to go to Bloomin’ Grove and… and pretend I’m not broken.”

“You’re not.” Nott grabbed Caduceus’ hands and Caduceus stared down at the girl. He felt something vicious and ugly rise up in him.

“I was born a freak.” Caduceus whispered. “Not male. Not female. Not enough. And in that cell I found out I’m a slut as well. I had… I had never… I’d never had sex. They took something, Nott. Something I can’t get back. And I can’t do this!”

Nott crawled into Caduceus’ lap and hugged him tightly.

“Bullshit.” She whispered. “You can do anything. And they didn’t take anything, they-”

“By the end I wanted it.” Caduceus enunciated every word as the world spun around him and Nott became the focal point of his rage. “I begged for it. I’m not a shield, Nott. I’m…”

“Don’t.” Nott whispered, tears rising to her eyes.

“Worthless.” Caduceus murmured. “Just… a hollow shell. I didn’t win, Nott! I’ve never won! I…” The Firbolg stood and his foot caught on the edge of the ledge. He paused and stared at Nott. “Do you believe in destiny?” Caduceus whispered. Nott stared at him and then the ledge.

“Caduceus, come here.” Nott whispered. “Come away from the edge.”

“Have I been a good servant?” Caduceus shouted up at the dark night’s sky. “Have I been good, Wildmother?”

_The snow fell into his eyes as he slowly blinked his lids open. Ice sank into his eyeballs and nothing could stop it._

“I haven’t called on you in weeks! I haven’t used anything you gave me! I didn’t heal myself or- or get myself out of there! Did you want a martyr? Is that what you needed?”

_The ground underneath him was frozen. Hard as rock, impossible to bury a body in. The roots had died long ago, withered and weary deep inside the dry earth._

“You want a martyr? Fine.” Caduceus stood on the edge of the building and took in a breath. For the first time in so long he wasn’t afraid. Just as before, he needed to follow his dreams. “Wildmother,” He felt the familiar swell of warmth through him and the burning sensation it left, holy fire racing through an impure vessel. “Take me.” He stared at the tree, the symbol to the Wildmother he had created in this dark city and then he took a step off the building.

_Ice crawled over Caduceus and he lay still, his eyes rolling back into his head. His tail was trapped under the snow, everything was trapped as his eyes stared up, lifelessly, at the mountain he’d tried to climb and had fallen so far from._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One day I'll just write,,,, like a story of them all in a cuddle pile. One day.......


	5. The Hero's Stand

Nott’s scream shattered the conversation in the kitchen and the Mighty Nein raced up the stairs to the treehouse only to find the goblin leaning over the edge and screaming. She wasn’t even making words anymore, just incoherent noises that ripped and tore through the air.

Caleb ran forwards and scooped her up, looking over the edge. There was nothing there.

“Liebling? What is it?”

“Caduceus!” Nott screamed, scrambling at Caleb’s arms. She scratched at his coat and reared back to bite him before Yasha grabbed her by her neck.

“Talk.” Yasha demanded, eyes flashing dangerously.

“He jumped! Caduceus jumped!” Nott screeched as she tried desperately to twist free from Yasha’s grip. Yasha grabbed Caleb with her free hand and pulled them both towards more stable ground.

“Why would he do that?” Jester whispered. “No. He would not!”

“Jester-” Fjord barely got the woman’s name out before she closed her eyes and clutched her holy symbol.

“Traveller! I want to send a message to Caduceus!” Jester squeezed her eyes tightly as the familiar green cloak wrapped around her and she prepared what she wanted to say. But there was just a soft sigh in her ear.

“I’m sorry, child.” The Traveller whispered. “I… can’t find him.”

Jester dropped to her knees and began to sob. The cloak didn’t dissipate, and the Traveller appeared above her, shielding her as she began to scream. Beau and Fjord exchanged a glance before Beau gingerly walked to the edge. There was no body at the base, no blood, no broken Firbolg with blood matting his grey fur. It was just the house and the front lawn.

“I don’t understand.” Beau whispered. Nott had fallen still and was sobbing in Yasha’s grip. Caleb picked her up and cradled her like a baby as he fell to his knees. Fjord stepped over to Yasha who was shaking gently. Mollymauk stepped up to the edge and frowned.

“Maybe he fell and didn’t hit the ground?”

“Why can’t Jessie sense him?”

“Maybe it wasn’t this ground.” Mollymauk murmured. “Maybe his fall… was a bit further.”

Caduceus opened his eyes slowly to a warmth surrounding him. He stood and frowned as the aches he’d come to accept as typical were gone. He felt invigorated, beyond invigorated. He glanced around and paused as he saw a woman slowly picking apples. She didn’t turn to him, didn’t even indicate she’d noticed him.

He looked across the orchard he was in, the soft lush grass and the trees scattered everywhere.

“Where am I?” Caduceus whispered. The woman turned to him and the face was familiar but so very alien at the same time. He’d never met her before but she reminded him of so much, of curling up in the dome, of his mother’s face, of his younger sister’s laugh.

“You’re in my orchard.” The woman said. “Will you help me pick apples?” Caduceus slowly walked forwards and picked up a basket before he began to help. “Do you want to talk, Caduceus?”

“Who are you?”

“Who are you?” The woman asked. She turned one apple over and sighed as she saw a large brown spot where a creature had wormed its way in and turned it to mulch. She placed the apple on the floor and tapped it. The apple began to rot, as if time was speeding up. The juices spread and the grass around it grew ever so slightly greener and within a few seconds there was nothing left of the apple. Caduceus stared up at the woman and swallowed thickly.

“I’m Caduceus Clay.”

“A failure. A shield. A slut.” The woman kept her voice level as she kept picking. “Do you ever wonder why the Gods choose us, Caduceus? Do you think they do it on a whim?”

“I don’t know how a God thinks, Ma-am.”

“When you were born your mother gifted you with a name and with life. On every day since you have taken life. You take the life of the plants you step on, the plants you eat, the plants you cut down to live inside. How is a God meant to determine between a plant and a Firbolg?”

“I… I don’t know.”

“No. I suppose you don’t.” The woman stood and resumed picking the apples. She placed some in Caduceus’ basket and moved to the next tree. “I think it’s what you give. A plant can give so much. A Firbolg so much more. But the apple tree asks for sunlight, dirt and water. A Firbolg asks for much, much more. You are a difficult one to tend, Caduceus. Able to see everything and yet you only see your own flaws.”

“You haven’t told me your name.” Caduceus murmured, with a sinking feeling. The woman chuckled and shook her head.

“You know my name. You know so much about me and yet you seem to have learned nothing. I am in the wind, in the seas, I carry seeds to their new resting places and I watched over lonely Firbolgs abandoned by his family while I turn the bodies under his feet into the perfect tea. You call me Melora. Or the Wildmother.”

“…Oh.” Caduceus whispered. “Where am I?”

“You asked me to intervene. I did. You’re on my realm. A plane of existence beyond the Heavenly Gate. My own wilderness.” Melora stared off into the forest that the orchard led into and sighed. “You want to know why it happened, don’t you? Why I wasn’t there.”

“They hurt me.” Caduceus whispered. His throat tightened and he blinked back tears. “Wildmother, they hurt me… beyond… I didn’t… they used what you gave me and called me a freak and… why didn’t you prove them wrong?”

“I can’t, Caduceus. Because I can’t interfere in mortal affairs. The Heavenly Gate blocks me. And because… you are your own man. They hurt you. They did unspeakable things to you. And then you kept doing the same to yourself.” Melora reached out and cupped Caduceus’ face. “Why haven’t you healed yourself?”

“How could I? How could I call on a Goddess that abandoned me?” Caduceus choked out. Melora sighed and ran a finger across his face. He could feel the fur crawling to the surface. It was bizarre for a moment before it stopped and he felt the sensitive hairs lie in place again.

“How could I help a Cleric who abandoned me? Or a man who abandoned himself?” Melora placed the basket down and touched Caduceus’ tail, the fur sprouting once more. “You are a wonderful Cleric Caduceus but there are hard times ahead. If you like I can send you to the Blooming Grove and remove your memory of this, of everything that happened. The Mighty Nein will carry on and you will live as if you returned with your family.” She ran a hand through his matted hair and it untangled itself, falling against his cheek. He glanced at the vibrant pink she’d returned to the hair.

“I wouldn’t remember?” Caduceus whispered.

“I am a God, Caduceus. If you truly want then I can remove the memory and you just go home. You’ve served me well and I saw the desperation and the pain you showed. And yet you called for me. You are not a failure, you are my chosen son. And if you choose to return to guarding then I will help you.”

Caduceus wiped a tear from his eye and sniffled wetly.

“I don’t want to remember it.” He whispered. “I don’t want to know what they did. I want to… I want… I want…”

“Say the word.” Melora murmured. “Say the word and you’ll never remember what they did.”

Caduceus stared up at the woman and took in a breath.

“Did I fail you?” He whispered.

“Never.” Melora trailed a thumb across Caduceus’ cheek and he leant into the warm touch.

“Then… no. I want to go back to my friends. And I need to remember.”

Melora smiled softly and kissed Caduceus’ forehead. He gasped softly and felt a light warmth spread through him. Everywhere it touched he felt revitalised and rejuvenated. Melora watched him fondly.

“I don’t need or want a martyr, Caduceus. I want my hero back. The hero you have become.” Melora pressed a piece of wood into Caduceus’ hands and smiled. “Go back to your friends. They’re worried.”

Caduceus smiled and clutched the wood against his chest. He knew the sensation of Melora’s holy symbol and felt the warmth wrap around him and raise him before the world warped and he was hurtling through space. He saw a golden lattice in front of him and he watched carefully as he passed through and arrived suddenly at the top of his house, surrounded by his friends and still clutching the ornately carved symbol.


	6. The Angel's Share

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're at the end now. And I am already planning more angst for these good bois

Caduceus landed on the house and stared up at the tree, gently swaying in the breeze. He smiled up at the boughs, wind whispering between the leaves and shifting his fur. The Wildmother was here, she always had been.

Nott ran forwards and tackled Caduceus to the floor, shrieking something as she hugged him and began to pat him down, as if to check for injuries. Caduceus let her worry over him and looked up at the rest of the group. They stared at him as if they couldn’t believe he was there, was alive.

“Hey.” Caduceus said gently with a soft smile.

“What the fuck was that, Cad?” Beau exclaimed, striding forwards. “You threw yourself off our house!”

“It was a… desperate act. I’m better now.” Caduceus looked down at Nott who was just clinging to his chest and sniffling. Caduceus gently touched her chin and tilted it to look at him. “I’m alive.”

“You weren’t. You were gone! You died.”

“The Wildmother took me for a talk.” Caduceus stood, cradling Nott against his chest. Nott snuggled closer and Caduceus didn’t comment on the action. “I… I apologise for the scare. I think… I think I need some help. And shutting you out isn’t helping.”

A garden grows slowly. A sprout can burst from the ground and be flourishing within a week but it still has birds, rocky ground, droughts, floods and so many other terrors of the outside world to combat. Caduceus knew he was a garden, a tiny seed in the garden of the Wildmother who watched over them all. He had been nearly dug out, his roots ripped apart and so much of his structure broken.

But, as with every seedling, he continued to grow. His challenges came in different forms. After several spiritual guardians manifesting themselves, the group agreed not to startle Caduceus and to make their presence known long before the man could be scared.

Caduceus slowly regrew his roots, slowly grounded himself once more and remembered just what it felt like to be comfortable in his own skin. He let Yasha and Nott braid his hair, weaving in buttons and flowers until every movement of his head came with a jingle. It sounded like home.

It was two weeks after the Wildmother’s intervention that Jester pulled Caduceus aside. Her eyes were wet and her tail was lashing around in anxiety.

“Caduceus… I know what happened and I wanted to say I am sorry. I didn’t think. I… they were bad people but I did not think they were that bad and maybe I should have because my mama always taught me and then I did not help you afterwards but-”

“Breathe.” Caduceus interrupted, setting a gentle hand on Jester’s shoulder. She looked up and sniffled.

“I’m meant to heal people. I didn’t heal you.”

“Jester, I don’t blame you. I never have.”

“But Caduceus! I didn’t save you! I- I didn’t have plane shift. The Traveller… I thought it was boring. I knew you’d have it. So I didn’t bother.”

“Jester, that doesn’t matter. I got us home. Even if you had plane shift… that would have happened. Don’t blame yourself for their crimes. Come here.” Caduceus opened his arms and Jester rushed forwards, holding him close. “I don’t blame you.”

“I wanna go back and kill them all. Freeze their stupid civilisation and watch them die.” Jester whispered. “I want to make them hurt.”

“And I want my friend here.”

Jester sighed but nodded, not moving from Caduceus’ arms. Caduceus shifted them to a chair and lay his head against Jester. They were still there three hours later when someone else wandered into the room and saw the clerics napping lightly in a chair.

Caduceus laid the final piece of incense across the ivory sticks and then sat back, inhaling slowly. His mind slipped into the meditative state he knew too well and a smile slid across his face as his consciousness came to rest in front of a woman with a motherly smile and an apple in her hand. His fingers ran over the symbol again and he stepped towards her, entering the garden.

“You’re doing well, Caduceus. There’ll be more winters to weather but you’ve found yourself a good family to protect you.” Melora remarked as she stared at him knowingly. “Why have you come to me?”

“I want to ask three questions. Are the demons who hurt me still alive?”

“No, they’re not. An arch fey seems to have found them distasteful.”

“Is the Blooming Grove healing?”

“Yes. There may be more steps if the infection comes back but what you did was a massive first step. Well done.”

“Will I ever be like I was before?” Caduceus asked. Melora paused and then sighed, her shoulders slumping.

“No. There will be a scar in your heart. Just as there are scars across your body. The scar will never heal but you’ll learn to cope with the pain and adapt to be stronger. I believe in you, my Cleric.”

Caduceus sighed but forced a weak smile onto his face.

“Thank you, Wildmother. For everything.”

Before a response came Caduceus was back in his body, fingers playing across the wooden symbol and the tree creaking above him. The daylight spells in the bottles wobbled softly and twinkled as he arched his neck to stare up. Far below the door opened with a familiar jangle of chimes and there were shouts of glee and excitement until Beau’s angry scream rang out and the laughter began to move quickly away from her.

Caduceus lay back and smiled. This wasn’t the end but it was an end. He was a Cleric of the Wildmother, he was Caduceus Clay, he was a member of the Mighty Nein and he had been raped. No fact contradicted another and as he lay there he knew the last fact wasn’t important in that moment. The tree covered him, the spells illuminated him and his friends, his family, beneath him protected him. He could worry about his scars tomorrow.


End file.
